7 Weeks and Counting

I need to explain exactly what a lap band is again because in speaking to some people over the weekend, it was quite disturbing that they still don't understand exactly what I have been through and have in my body. Meredith, I will also explain what to be 'filled' means.

The lap band itself is a round piece of plastic that is tightened around the upper portion of your stomach like a ring. It has 4-6 plastic pillows on the inside of the band that are touching the outside of the stomach. These pillows are attached to a tube that is attached to a small plastic port. The port gets attached beneath the skin. Periodically, the surgeon injects saline through the port into the pillows that will tighten and make the opening to the lower portion of your stomach smaller. For example, when I hit a plateau or not losing as much weight as they would like, I will get filled. I'm told it is not painful at all. The band is placed around the stomach empty, so right now, I have nothing but the band restricting my food intake. When I meet with my surgeon, he has a chart hanging on the wall and asks if I'm in the green, yellow or red section. Green means that I'm losing the right amount of weight, I feel full and I'm not getting sick. Yellow means I'm not losing weight, not full at meals and eating too much. Red means I am getting sick, not eating enough food and losing too much. The amount of saline is adjusted to ensure that I remain in the green section. Here is a link about it along with a picture.

So I went on a quick two day trip to the Jersey shore. I think I made all the right choices and had no problems eating out or eating on the go. I packed my snacks and plenty of water. I ate dinner at a buffet and did exactly what the nutritionist told me to do. I walked the entire buffet and checked out all of my options. I took a small amount of salad first. Then, I went back for some food. I did fill my plate with a little bit of a few different types of fish, some ham and some pasta. I couldn't find any steamed vegetables. I didn't really like most of the food, so tastes is all I took. I also had some room for dessert and did the same. I took 3 different types of sugar free cake/cupcakes and really just had bites. I have NEVER left food on my plate before. I felt full, but not stuffed. I felt really good and really proud of myself. Since I eat so little now, I want only great tasting food. I don't mind just tasting food anymore either. It really does satisfy me and I don't need to do it in excess as I have done in the past.

I have had a really rough two weeks emotionally. Last night, I did a bad thing. I went to a drive thru and did not make any right choices. The only thing that saved me was the lap band and the fact that I could only eat about a quarter of the food I bought and I threw the rest of it away. I am so glad that I will be in the office everyday this week and can get back on track. I am leaving for Vegas in 9 days and did not hit my goal in weight loss. I'm a little upset and now scared that I will definitely get filled the week I come back from Vegas. I retain a ridiculous amount of water and it's frustrating. The two days I was away, I walked a ton and sweated a lot. I kept drinking water and when I came home and got on the scale, my weight was up. Vegas will also be a lot of walking and it will be hot so I will be drinking a lot. I don't want to get filled because of water weight. Granted, it's not all water, but a lot of it is. I will be at the gym four nights this week. I have to miss tonight because I will be working late. I have to get back to worrying about myself and doing for myself. I can't let things upset me and revert back to my old ways. It bothers me so much that people close to me in my life have thrown things in my face recently that I have confided in them about my food addiction and it just hurts. It makes me realize that there are just so few people out there I can trust with intimate details of my life and will go back to being guarded and not share all of my struggles and lapses. It's difficult when people don't listen to the full story and takes bit and pieces and then makes up a new version. I feel like it's best to just not even talk anymore. I'm tired of all the storytelling and being attacked for mistakes I've made in my life. I've never claimed to be perfect and am trying really hard to get things back in order. I just feel like everything has come crashing down around me and I'm slowly picking up all the pieces.

Here are this week's results: HW 317, PSW 306.4, SW 284, CW 275.

I know I shouldn't be devastated by the results, however, I really haven't lost anything in the past two weeks. I'm really glad I haven't put on any real weight. I've just spent the past two weeks up and down the same 1-2 pounds. I should be proud that I somewhat have a grasp on things, but I'm not even sure I do.