Feeling Great!!

I felt obligated to write some more today. I want to emphasize just how great I feel after this past weekend. I don't do well when my life is in chaos and unfortunately it has been that way for a few years. It has affected my work as well. Today, is the first day in I couldn't tell you how long that I walk around with a smile on my face, feel wonderful (despite only getting 3 hours of sleep and having to work a full day) and confident again. I will be the first to admit that I have been miserable for awhile and I'm sure most of it has stemmed from my weight. Even though I still struggle, I have taken off 50 pounds and see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am getting back in gear and focusing on taking off the next 50 pounds. It made me smile again this morning to put on a size 1X shirt (that definitely shrunk in the wash) and it look great. I had on a size 2X sweater yesterday that I felt I was swimming in. Might as well get the last Christmas season out of it now. Now that I am getting my weight under control and my work and personal life in order, I feel like I can work on my emotions and being happy again. I like feeling this way. I want to be much more positive about things and just make the best of them now. I have actually noticed that my patience is growing and it's a good thing. I am calm.

Smiles. :)

I'm Embarrassed

I don't want to write a blog today, but I'm going to. As you know, the past week or so, I've really struggled and lost complete control. I have spent the past few days really getting life in order. The house, for the most part, is spotless. I went food shopping on Saturday and picked up a lot of my essentials I had run out of. I made an amazing dinner for my family (stuffed chicken with brie, apples and almonds) and am back on track now. I feel good. My weight is actually down a couple of pounds from when I last blogged, but still up from my weekly weigh in. I intend to start on my elliptical trainer tonight, even if it's for 20-30 minutes. I have several shows I enjoy watching on DVD and they are a perfect length for me to watch during my workout. I really feel no pain in my port and haven't for awhile. I can laugh and it not hurt. Every once in a while, I feel a little tinge, but nothing to be concerned about.

So here we go: HW 317, PSW 306.4, SW 284, CW 269.6

I Have the Best Nutritionist in the World!!

As noted in my previous post, I emailed my nutritionist this morning and received the following response:

"Hi Christine,
I'm so sorry for your struggles and frustrations! Here are some ideas:


1) You must find an alternative to the gym! If you can't find a new gym/YMCA nearby, then consider getting some exercise equipment to use at home and exercise DVDs. If this does not appeal to you, schedule at least 1/2 hour to do some kind of movement each day. Even dancing at home to music will do! You can also accumulate the 30 minutes by doing 15 min in the am and 15 min in the pm.


2) What is provoking you to snack all the time? If you are not really hungry then it's emotional or exhaustion or dehydration.
First be sure you are drinking enough water. Sip all the time. I know it's a pain, but drinking water can help. Second, if you really miss the gym do ANYTHING to keep moving. Just don't sit too long. If you have to be at your computer, get up every 1/2 - 1 hour and walk around somewhere, do stretches, or bring some free weights (even cans) to work to do some strengthening exercises. Be in constant motion. Walk a little faster then you normally do. Take stairs. KEEP MOVING! Sounds crazy and you'll look a little funny, but it will work to burn calories. You'll also feel lighter and less puffy. Third, if you are overtired you need to rest. Go to sleep earlier tonight. Try not to overextend yourself. If you are worried or anxious, make a list of non-food pleasures that you use to calm down. Books, music, shopping, letter writing, movies, baths/showers, phone calls, etc. etc. The minute you want to reach for a snack and you know you are not hungry, reach for your "pleasure list" instead. And do one of the things on the list. (PS maybe you need to add something on the list you need to resolve...like telling Amy off! If you are upset, then clearing the air can make you feel more in control, which will help you control other things in your life, such as your weight).


By the way...I had long conversations with both Amy and Dr. Merola. Dr. M. is very concerned about Amy's behavior and she knows she needs to work on this negativity and inaccurate information. I have scheduled a training with the whole team for January to be sure everyone is aware of the latest in Bariatric Nutrition Therapy. I will keep you informed.


Stay strong and let me know how you are doing!"

For those of you that don't know, Amy is some kind of nurse that works in the bariatric department and visits with me and every other patient during our appointments. I think my nutritionist had the last straw the last time I visited with her. I'm not really one to complain about other professionals. I know people have bad days and just chalk a lot up to inexperience or lack of knowledge of how to deal with the public. I personally am not a people person. I HATE people, lol. I do whatever possible without ever talking to a human being. For a long time, I was a very shy person, so that was one reason. When I did need to talk to people, I would always get the most incompetent person helping me. It just got to the point where I didn't want to deal with anyone and thanks to the internet, I very rarely have to anymore. Anyway, I am not the first to speak about 'being nervous about going to get weighed in' or 'they aren't going to be happy with my weight loss' or just about the inconsistencies in the educational supplies handed out. I am happy that I will be able to help others out in the future and even myself now. I've just begun on this journey. My life is forever changed and I am unlike anyone else that hasn't had this surgery. I eat differently and am affected differently by food. It's not a bad thing at all, it's just different and I have to live my life accordingly. I do have to admit that I a little nervous about going to my next appointment. I'm hoping my name wasn't used, but I'm sure it was. Oh well, it was all honest and I was frustrated. How can I be told 4 different things?? Which one is right? Who do I listen to? Now, I will know. Everything will be the same.

Frustrated!!

Ugh, since the closing of my gym, I just haven't been the same. I haven't found one compatible and I haven't been working out at home. I've gone back to some of my old habits and I HAVE TO STOP!!!! My weight is going up now and I can't take it. It's not a lot and I know that I have been snacking a lot more just because I want to eat and I HAVE TO STOP IT!!! I emailed my nutritionist for some words of wisdom or something because I need to get my head back in a good place. I just can't right now. Too much stress and pressure this time of year. I wish it was a happier time, but it's just not and I anxiously await for it to be over. I want 2011 to just be here and then I feel like I can just start over. I don't know what else to do right now. I have lost total control. I've been really struggling financially and haven't been able to buy all of the foods I need everyday to keep me on track. Tomorrow, I get paid and intend to not pay some bills until next month so I can stock up on some foods that will help me lose weight again. Looking forward to preparing my tax return so I can get my refund ASAP so I can breathe again. So many frustrations and stress in life. I know they won't go away and I have to learn how to deal with everything better. I'm trying. I am, but it's so evident how this is such a difficult and life long struggle for me. I put on a size 1X sweater today and felt so good. I haven't worn it in years. That should be enough, right?? Or the fact that I just feel so wonderful when I eat the way I'm supposed to versus when I do eat foods that I shouldn't and yet that's not enough either. Being able to move around so much easier and sleeping better with no sleep apnea doesn't do it either. Deep breaths. I just have to try to focus on a healthier life and stop thinking about food. It's so evil and it's something I need to be able to live and survive.

Update

OK, I'm back on track now. I made enough food for a few dinners yesterday and grabbed an apple to bring to work as a snack. I can do this!! I went through my closet this weekend and I really forget how much clothing I own. I'm excited that I get to wear things I haven't worn in two or more years. It's like new clothes to me all over again, not to mention the several items that still have tags on them because I never fit in them to begin with, but just had to lose five pounds. I have about 5 bags that need to go to charity that I no longer fit in and NEVER WILL AGAIN!!!

I don't think I'm eating enough calories. I will have to start focusing on that. I think my body is starving and that is why I've kind of been stuck at the same weight.

I am amazed by how clueless and hypocritical some people are. I spied some Christmas gifts that I will be given this year, one being a tower of food/cookies/candy. Really?!?!?! Yes, I can eat all of whatever it is, but should I be?? I mean, I certainly don't need help eating. I never have. Why am I getting this as a gift from someone that knows I had this surgery?? I just don't get people. I guess this present will be coming to the office for my coworkers to enjoy. What a waste of money to me. Just sitting here shaking my head.

The results: HW 317, PSW 306.4, SW 284, CW 267

Slowly, but surely, it's coming off. I'm avoiding ALL holiday parties this year, including my own office's. I have to. I am having family over Sunday for dinner, but since I'm making it, I will know everything in it and will make it healthy.

I Gave Up

I sort of gave up this week. I didn't eat all my meals, but made most of the right decisions over the weekend when I did eat. I've had a lot on my mind and just didn't want to focus on eating. I realize now that it is something I have to think about constantly and is a huge part of my life. When there's so much other stuff going on, it's hard to stay so focused and 'good'. I didn't do any exercise and probably won't get to real working out until next week. Still doing a ton in the house, which in itself is a little bit of working out. Too much to do and way too little time. It's a crazy time of year. I'm not doing much decorating this year. I just can't. So many other things to do before that can happen and I'm only one person and work a full time job. The tree is up and decorated. Have to get the stockings hung and put out some other minor things. Maybe next year the house will get completely decorated. I feel like I'm still catching up from all the work that was done over the summer, probably because I am. I don't have a huge house, but when you only have a couple hours a night and sometimes only one weekend day, it's hard to get it all done. This is the most major work I've done since I've moved in. Oh and I have a major shopping addiction.

This week's results: HW 317, PSW 306.4, SW 284, CW 267.6

Follow Up

I was surprised that I did not get filled last night. They weren't thrilled with my results, but lap band weight loss is slow and as long as I keep going down, it's good. They were afraid I would get sick if they tightened me more because of the amount of food I am currently eating. They wanted me to come back in 3-4 four weeks, but that falls right before Christmas and New Years and I'm not have a liquid holiday, so my next appointment is January 7, where I will most likely get filled.

My nutritionist made me feel so great!! She said that she uses me as examples in her lectures because she is so proud of my progress and how I take what she teaches me and applies it to my life. I'm a completely different person I was 7 months ago.

Simply, I'm happy and this was the best thing I could have ever done.

Funny thing happened at work yesterday too. It was my first 'test' at work. We had a staff meeting and it's customary for them to bring pizza in for everyone while the partners talk. Knowing this ahead of time, I decided to bring in my own turkey salad and applesauce. I wasn't even tempted and didn't feel weird. No one made any comments to me except for a friend of mine that couldn't believe that I could sit there with pizza in front of me and not be bothered that I wasn't eating it. She said she could never do it and was incredibly impressed. I told her that I'm really serious about it and felt fine being in that situation. I am not going to the office holiday party for many reasons, one being that I do not expect any options for me to choose from and that's ok. I expect Saturday lunches during tax season to be a breeze now. I will not participate in the bagel breakfasts and on the days that pizza is brought in, I will make sure to bring my own lunch.

I feel really good and am smiling typing this. I really have to say that I am incredibly proud of myself and never thought I could feel or think this way. It's nice.